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05 October 2012 @ 01:27 pm
In which i decide to put down my thoughts about sex, dating, and crushes.  
I feel really odd sometimes. haha.

I was talking to a friend about kpop a few days ago, and she was saying how she'd love to have sex and stuff with so and so, and various other sexual remarks. 

It made me super uncomfortable. Not because I dont like that Idol. in fact he's one of my very favourite Idol's in kpop. but even though i love him to bits, I dont really ever think of him in that way you know? and it got me to thinking, i NEVER think about doing anything sexual with my biases. Like I can watch them, and I find them attractive, sometimes even get turned on my their dancing (more often with girls than guys tbh. I find guys extremely nice to look at though, as long as they keep their pants on >.< but i very rarely get aroused from watching them. )

Its not that i dont like sex. or i guess not that im adverse to the idea. i masturbate fairly often, and i watch porn, i ship people together, i read smut. but i've never had sex, so i cant say if ill like that or not. 

I've experimented with some female friends of mine, and while i enjoyed getting a reaction from them, I think i frustrated them  a little by losing interest quickly, and not having a very strong reaction to sexual stimulus. Part of it may have been that it wasn't hitting the kinks that i normally read or watch, but i just.... wasnt interested, besides the idea of helping my friend enjoy herself.

The same thing with my one boyfriend. even kissing was awkward. 

now maybe i just haven't found the right person. maybe its because ive no experience, its making me nervous idk.

Its funny. when i think about having sex, its always a nameless face. sometimes, for example with celebrities, the first couple times i see them, i may be turned on a little by provocative dancing ect, or with real life i may wonder what itd be like to kiss them or whatever, but as soon as i get to know them, i lose that. I just cant even imagine being sexually active with someone im emotionally close to. do people actually do that? I read all the time about people masturbating to celebrities, thoughts of their crush and them or something. 

I've never done that. is it really that common? i just think about what might feel good rather than a specific person, or more often, whatever ship im interested in atm.

When i think about the celebrities i like, it usually comes down to me wanting to hug them, be their best friend, spend time with them, talk to them, get to know them, cuddle (because i am a rather tactile person), and just kinda take care of them, and love them, and stuff. Maybe date idk. its honestly not something i think about unless its brought up.

Its pretty much the same with real life crushes, whether thats a male or female. Im fine with just being around them and hanging out and stuff. i dont mind holding hands, and cuddling, and even sometimes kissing, tho usually i just feel out of place when i do. i just. idk.

and another thing. i've almost never been sexually attracted to people in my real life i've had a crush on. like for me, its personality? if they've got a good personality, thats the best. those people are never the type I normally think are good looking you know? 

im just a little confused i guess. Im twenty years old and i have had only one romantic relationship, a couple brief instances of sexual experimentation, and honestly im just a little puzzled by everyone's drive to date and have sex and stuff.

I mean, im just alittle confused you know? ive not got much experience and so ive got no reference points i guess. I dont know what I want, or what i like, or anything.

haha, idk. 
Hanahana_ni_nare on October 6th, 2012 05:22 am (UTC)
I'm a bit similar with you to be honest. I don't really think the idol I love in that way, well maybe one or two. but most of the time I just imagining them together with other member. Yes, I do read and write smut, yes I do watch a bit of porn, but I've never masturbates or really think about me having sex with other people. oh, uhm.. *cough* and I haven't experiment with another person.

well, I hope that this isn't awkward.

I think people tend to imagining a hot girl/guy or celebrities when they do masturbate but I don't think that imagining a nameless face is something odd. maybe you are just not really.. what they call? uhm, forgive me if I'm wrong, but maybe you're just have a low sexual appetite. it's not really uncommon I guess, something like that. but maybe you could look into that deeper so you could get it right.

I hope you're not offended for what I write. correct me if I'm wrong. ;)
melodyprower11melodyprower11 on October 6th, 2012 06:49 am (UTC)
Ah I'm not offended dearie.

And you make some good points haha, although I don't think its a low sex drive, since i do masturbate fairly often, and its not like i dont get turned on or horny.

I'm just not sexually aroused by specific people, if that makes any sense? Seeing a nice face, or body doesn't really get me excited, even if i can go home and masturbate several times that day.

It seems to me I just have problem seeing people that way lol. I'm not sure why.

Even if i like them, think they look nice, love their personality, am extremely close. I'm just not sexually attracted? everything else seems to be there tho.

IDK though. thanks for reading and commenting though ^^;
decodexxdecodexx on November 17th, 2013 07:39 am (UTC)
Hi ^^ long time no talk? perhaps you remember me. lol. It's been forever!

Perhaps it could be that you haven't met that one person to spark all your interests at once? I can semi relate to how you feel. It takes a lot to arouse me to be honest. I don't think of my idols in sexual manners because for some reason it just feels wrong. I may get aroused by something that they do, but to develop something further than that and let my thoughts linger, that's where it dies for me. I've tried to imagine my celebrity crushes in full glory and it never works out.

But at the same time it's like you, I get excited, I masturbate, watch porn, etc. But I mean I have a boyfriend and we are semi active. sex isn't everything to me to be honest, I am more of a personality person.

So I can relate to you just a little, lol.