In which i decide to put down my thoughts about sex, dating, and crushes.

I feel really odd sometimes. haha.

I was talking to a friend about kpop a few days ago, and she was saying how she'd love to have sex and stuff with so and so, and various other sexual remarks. 

It made me super uncomfortable. Not because I dont like that Idol. in fact he's one of my very favourite Idol's in kpop. but even though i love him to bits, I dont really ever think of him in that way you know? and it got me to thinking, i NEVER think about doing anything sexual with my biases. Like I can watch them, and I find them attractive, sometimes even get turned on my their dancing (more often with girls than guys tbh. I find guys extremely nice to look at though, as long as they keep their pants on >.< but i very rarely get aroused from watching them. )

Its not that i dont like sex. or i guess not that im adverse to the idea. i masturbate fairly often, and i watch porn, i ship people together, i read smut. but i've never had sex, so i cant say if ill like that or not. 

I've experimented with some female friends of mine, and while i enjoyed getting a reaction from them, I think i frustrated them  a little by losing interest quickly, and not having a very strong reaction to sexual stimulus. Part of it may have been that it wasn't hitting the kinks that i normally read or watch, but i just.... wasnt interested, besides the idea of helping my friend enjoy herself.

The same thing with my one boyfriend. even kissing was awkward. 

now maybe i just haven't found the right person. maybe its because ive no experience, its making me nervous idk.

Its funny. when i think about having sex, its always a nameless face. sometimes, for example with celebrities, the first couple times i see them, i may be turned on a little by provocative dancing ect, or with real life i may wonder what itd be like to kiss them or whatever, but as soon as i get to know them, i lose that. I just cant even imagine being sexually active with someone im emotionally close to. do people actually do that? I read all the time about people masturbating to celebrities, thoughts of their crush and them or something. 

I've never done that. is it really that common? i just think about what might feel good rather than a specific person, or more often, whatever ship im interested in atm.

When i think about the celebrities i like, it usually comes down to me wanting to hug them, be their best friend, spend time with them, talk to them, get to know them, cuddle (because i am a rather tactile person), and just kinda take care of them, and love them, and stuff. Maybe date idk. its honestly not something i think about unless its brought up.

Its pretty much the same with real life crushes, whether thats a male or female. Im fine with just being around them and hanging out and stuff. i dont mind holding hands, and cuddling, and even sometimes kissing, tho usually i just feel out of place when i do. i just. idk.

and another thing. i've almost never been sexually attracted to people in my real life i've had a crush on. like for me, its personality? if they've got a good personality, thats the best. those people are never the type I normally think are good looking you know? 

im just a little confused i guess. Im twenty years old and i have had only one romantic relationship, a couple brief instances of sexual experimentation, and honestly im just a little puzzled by everyone's drive to date and have sex and stuff.

I mean, im just alittle confused you know? ive not got much experience and so ive got no reference points i guess. I dont know what I want, or what i like, or anything.

haha, idk. 

What you Got Coming

Title: What You Got Coming.
Characters Zhou Mi, Donghae
Pairings: None
Rating: R 
Warnings: Death
Summary: He'd Give him what he deserved.

You back away fearfully, oh my god, oh my god oh my god. The screaming and spitting creature in front of you couldn’t be Zhou Mi. No way. Nowaynowaynoway. 
God why. What have you done wrong? Did you do something wrong? In this life? A past life? Maybe in the future even?
 You always tried to be a good a person, cheer up others, be loving in kind. But Zhou me was after You now. Why? 
You break into a run. Get away. Tell someone. Gotta get help. This isn’t good. No good.
Getting closer, gotta run. Cell phone?  No no!! Its gone gone, and now what? 
Dead End. Turn around, maybe you can escape? No!! He’s there!!. Back away Back away. And the wall thuds against your back. Now where to go. You’re stuck.
“Donghai, you bastard.”
“Mimi, What did I do?”
A Feral growl. “ Don’t Call ME MIMI. God I’m Fucking sick of you and your smile, your fans, your EVERYTHING!!!!”
A Slap whips your head to the side but before you can fall, Hands grab by you by the hair, it hurts hurthurthurthurts. 
“Why Donghai?” A Deadly whisper. “I’m better than you.  I can sing better. I’m fluent in both mandarin and Korean. Unlike you. I’m more handsome, taller, and just all around greater than you. So Why?”
Spittle flies on to your face. “Why Does Everyone love you?”
You are dropped to the ground, concrete scraping against your skin, and you try to make a run for it. But it doesn’t happen. A Kick to the ribs leaves you in a haze of pain, and before you know it a boot is on your throat.
“I Hate You Donghae.”
Wheeze, cant breathe no air. It huuuuuurts.
“You Deserve to Die. But everyone else is blinded to the fact. “
Blackening vision, fading sound, faltering heart ,no breath.
A Final Whisper. 
“Goodbye Donghai~”
“Zhou Mi, do you know why you are under arrest?”
“Yes officer.”
“Why is that?”
A Cheerful Giggle. 
“Because I Killed Li Donghai.”

I have a new Community.


Please check it out~ Its community for all of Asian entertainment, from Games to Anime and Manga, to J-pop, To K-pop, to Chinese, Thai, Vietnamese Pop, To Dramas, Ect. 

Submit request for all types of Fanworks and Fill a few requests of while you are there ^^

(no subject)

My wrists were bothering me today. *frowns* itchy, and i swear the scarring aches from time to time, especially when the get pulled on. pain in the ass. Not to mention, Its been hard to focus, and I've been dizzy and tired. I think my lithium levels might be too high *grabs a bottle of water* hopefully rehydrating myself will even everything out lol.

Miss you all~


Hey everyone, sorry I've disappeared, tumblr has taken over my life, so if anyone wants to get in touch, Look for me there XDD

Same Username as on here lol. I use that or Aiba Ueda for everything ^^

So... *slinks in*

I'm not gone.

And I have a request~

There is this chinese boy here in town, and i want to ask him to be friends. I thought it might be nice to give him a note written in mandarin saying something like "be my friend?"  or "Want to be Friends?" He'd probably know what i said if i said it in english.

Problem is, i don't speak mandarin, much less write in it. So i was hoping one of you guys could help me out.

I don't want to use google translate cuz i know how bad that works.